I am in so much pain. This was the longest day of my life. I have a 13 hour day at college, couldn’t do half of it without leaving. Came back…he’s all I can think about. He hurt me so fucking much. How can this happen? It just can’t be like this, it can’t. It really eels like there’s no way that this would happen but it’s happened. And now…what? I just feel so alone. Like no one cares about me at all
Life isn’t fair. People are not true. All you can really depend on is yourself, and if you can’t do that…what are you left with?
It really is the end of the world. This is the big one, this heartbreak. The big one, this was it.
So I may have blacked his eyes. I’m fucked up omg. I push everyone away because I care so much and hold on too fucking tight. If I just took a deep breath and handled things better, I wouldn’t have no one. It really is me that is the problem. With every fucking thing. I think I’m this great person and I’m not. It’s not healthy to be so selfish. I pretend that I’m not, but I am. I shrink other people because I think my problems are more extreme when I should just fucking…gah!! I am not good. I am rotten. It’s true, it is true. I can’t even breathe. This isn’t real.
I loved him so much. Fucking no one is loyal. It’s true. And goddamn…just fuck. the entire truth came out tonight and…wow. I can’t believe this is fucking happening to me. To us. I loved him so much and I can’t…I take a train home tomorrow but I have to be in this apartment with him.
When I found out how he cheated…goddamn…I laid my hands on him and I’m so fucking ashamed of that. He’s a good person, he is. My god…he is so much more than he knows…everything…I was going to change my entire life to be with him, move 2 hours away from my hometown and…just wow. And now he’s going to be with her unless I tell her how he fucked the shit out of me this weekend. And if I do, then he’ll hate me. He planned to breakup with me this weekend. He bought a 56$ train ticket for me to break up with me…was going to wait til Sunday until I basically found out on my own. It was just all a lie. Why did he make a huge poster sign for me to stare at when I got off the train? Like..this isn’t making sense. Too much fucking history with us…and it’s just shattered. What if this is the last time I’ll see him again?
Going to see my baby tomorrow. Fall in love with him more and more everyday.